Here you'll learn all about me: my forks and nose hairs, the people buried under my house, my pet names for Nazi war criminals, and more. I've even included a list of my favorite subatomic particles.

On this home page, I'll introduce myself and talk about my reasons for wanting to paint Melanie Mayron's breasts yellow. I might put a picture of myself on this page...or just a picture that I especially like to pretend is a picture of Vlad the Impaler.

What's New?

Here I might add an entry whenever I make an update to my web site. Where appropriate, I'll include a link to the change. For example:

11/1/01 - Drew a mustache on the picture of Hillary Clinton naked and then poured chocolate syrup on it.

We cherish our readers' letters.

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YOU picked the UGLIEST ONE!

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. . .things absorbing things, matter absorbing photons, paper absorbing fluids, amoebae absorbing organic particles, John Goodman absorbing jelly rolls, only the scale varying, this principle, known as the Principle of Things Absorbing Things, having been first articulated millions of years ago by Absorba the Greek, who was a contemporary of Play-Doh and who might have actually witnessed the Big Bang, although we don't know for sure because Absorba won't tell us, which is because he's dead. . .

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I spent a year at a biohazard facility at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, where I had the privilege of working with Dr. Roy Curtiss, one of the pioneers of recombinant DNA research.

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